LAO JIE.

each best friend deserves their own entry and so you deserve yours, regardless of our status quo. i will probably only type more when i have finished collecting my thoughts. but do remember, love always precedes hatred.

[edit-19/03/2008]
One year since the last edit, i should believe myself to have matured more in my thoughts and perception of events. As we look back in high school life, we think not of the quarrels nor the reasons behind them, but the happy times shared and the closeness that once existed. My only regret is that i should have wrote this sooner before the friendship broke up. To be honest, i had thought our friendship to last for eternity, that's why i took my time and wrote the others first. I think this post would do our friendship an injustice but i will try. For old times' sake.

i dont really know where to start.

i was always a very dependent child, so a best friend was essential for me. i needed someone who was similar to me, who would take the same subject combinations, crave for the same food i do, bitch together about the people we both dont like, spend hours fangirling and hang out with me 24/7 without either of us getting sick of one another. A best friend encompasses all of that and i think you have fulfilled them well. Good friends can do that too, but there's this special thing about us that i dont really know how to describe. It's just there. And it makes things very different.

Sec 3 was a very happy time for me. In the heat of the moment i may have said that i regretted the whole friendship and wished it never happened, but i hope you know that it isnt true. There were crazy fun times with nat, oliver, tiff, the cheerteam, alot of whom i have claimed to be very close to, but i hadn't mentioned that all of it was also spent with you. There was the chip we planted with nat, the 'mini performance' we had with you playing the violin at the bus stop outside his house, hanging out at mt sinai playgrounds, truth or dares, stripping at jacque's sleepover, 16th jan, getting over the jenkin/irwin ordeal, learning to play pool, laughing at stupid people, the whole ada thing, bird thong chai, ripping our shirts for arts fest cheer. There was also so much quarreling and yelling, and i didnt like them because they left me really hurt at times and wanting to end the friendship there and then.

Somehow, you were always the one who found some way to apologise and make up first. In spite of acting strong and cool during quarrels, i guess deep down we both cared alot about the friendship and get very uptight when we're not on speaking terms. But it was always very encouraging to see you take the first step and write a letter/speak to me to end the cold war. Thanks for always telling me that you minded about the friendship when we quarrel and i pretended not to, when you were upset that irwin was the reason behind my forgiveness; he wasnt. Thanks for writing all the letters apologising, even the one time i told you not to after i signed off. Thanks for writing 'some things never change' on my vday card to assure me of the friendship when it was shaky in year 4, i was really happy. Thanks for the 'five people you meet in heaven' story you wrote, i wished i kept a copy somewhere. These have always left me very touched but i never said so. In some sense, i feel like i have got past too many quarrels without apologising. If you still keep the bear, that was my way of making up.

I dont deny the jealousy when you became closer to eunice. But i always believed in the freedom of friendship so i tried to deny that i was upset. Somehow, i always thought you did it to irritate me further. All the conversations that seemingly centred around her and i tried to ignore. Perhaps it was one of the reasons why i wanted to end the friendship, i didnt want the final reason to be that it was overtaken by someone else. The It incident was scarring. i think i felt hurt, betrayal, i was at a complete loss of what to do, and needless to say it reminded me of the Zei thing. I guess it was the last straw.

I dont know how things may have turned out if we tried to keep the friendship ongoing for longer, i may not have succeeded and we could end up the same way anyway. It's not something i want to question at this moment because the number of regrets i have over friendships are escalating. We'll just see where life takes us.

I guess i also havent been truly honest with my feelings in my post. But I'm really prideful so this is the best i can manage at this moment. This post barely covers what i really want to say anyway. Just wanted you to know that the friendship actually meant much more to me that it seems like above.

Some things, just dont ever change.



and if you would think of this as something written from the past,
with <3, silaomei.